winter-19
winter-19
20190101_0202

my mind is like a t.s. eliot poem minus the smart bits.


20190118_0800

potatoes are demons in my soul.

20190121_problems

1) i don't have my own content schedule (i don't understand all types of content i want to make)
2) i don't have a back catalogue of ideas or songs/material
3) when am i going to work on/finish the december project?
4) i don't make my shorts and other content fast enough.
5) my shorts aren't visually layered and interesting enough. but as i get better they are bound to look more and more like bill's content if i don't find a solution.
6) i don't have any systems to get better at any of this that are my own.


20190121_solution_attempt

step 1: stop binging other people's visual content unless it is new, and after the first view listen to audio only if you must
step 2: be more intuitive about coming up with visual ideas based on the available resources
step 3: less phone. phone time NEEDS to be regulated. i need to get into regular workflow.
step 4: spend far more time making content than consuming content. (just stop)
step 5: keep listening to lots of new music.


stop asking myself so many questions about what content is right or not. also, don't reference bank other videos you've seen for content. find content by looking out into the world at what is happening around you.


20190122_1157

i don't know what i am.
anything distinct i imagine doing sends me into a tunnel where i don't know how to do anything.
but i still believe i can do something.
i believe in the music.
the vessel for the music is where i'm shaky.

i'm convinced the music needs a vessel so it may find its way to people.
this vessel is where i am finding the issue of differentiating myself from bill.
his vessel works so well for where i am at. but this schedule and "type-ified" way of making content has so little apparent room for modification/reinventing.
writing that sentence seems fundamentally preposterous though.

so why am i even doing all of this?


20190129_poem

today i go to the sleeping farm.
it pays to be a dreamer.


20190206_1300

feeling like you will never be capable of something is a horrible state of mind.
that belief essentially guarantees that you won't do the right kind of work to become capable.
that feeling comes from the frame of mind that you should be able to do something immediately without recognizing that you can't do it for a reason.
true incapability is just a momentary reality. it is completely useless as some emotional state that extends into infinity.
just work at it and try to have a good time.

what do i feel incapable of?
why am i feeling incapable?
what are the obstacles, that if overcome, would make me capable?
how can i proceed at attacking those obstacles in the most efficient manner?


20190208_1209

i've reached the 'dancing in front of a mirror with dreams of a brighter future' phase of my life.


20190209_1248

hating things is the cool new way of loving your own opinion.


20190213_1300

koala never knew
koala never knew
he tried to
why can't he fly to mexico?
he'll never know


20190218_0800

if i want to make music with less struggle then i have to improve my rhythm.

the entirety of existence is rhythm.

there is not one thing about being that isn't rhythm.


20190222_1300

i am a chimp.

dancing is good exercise.

the question is: is the foreground presence all there really is?

'it = it'
'it ≠ it'

is or isn't it what it is?


20190224_0028

i am creative.
this is good to say.


20190224_0225

it's always dangerous when i feel like something is cooking up. i have so many things that i must take care of so that i can capitalize on what gets cooked up. too many times i have gotten all cooked up and then poured myself into the trash because i had all these expectations.

how the fuck do i work on these problems of ability that i have? these things that build big walls in front of the inspiration?

i HAVE to be able to figure out how to USE the cooking to build the abilities so that walls will fall down in the process of making the cooking tastier and tastier.

the truth is that at any time i can stop and say NO WALLS, and then there are no walls. because then i will just make anything that i can make right then. a lot of times when i do that i feel like the work gets lazier because i haven't created systems to check myself even while letting go.

what i am doing there is not destroying the walls. i'm simply walking around them. walls are there for sure. there is unbelievable reward contained within those walls. sometimes i have to go around the walls so that i keep moving at all. but walking around the walls becomes very questionable after awhile.

the walls must be busted through. i am working on that. but i am working on it in a way that is leading me further away from creating. this just feels like a red alert. i need to be able to make things while busting the walls down. and this problem is hard because once the walls are busted down there are more walls right behind and i can already sense them using x-ray vision. but i want those new walls.

steve irwin. warm and happy feelings. pierced heart. the water's warm.


20190228_0000-poem

'dimensions'

the line wishes it was a plane.
the point wishes it was a line.
the plane wishes it had depth.
depth wished it had time.
but a line is a line
and time is just an amount in an amount.
things are as they are
and will remain
but also change