summer-19
20190605_1307

grr. argh.

dangit.

nothing being done. computer being slow today.

trying to fix drivers. trying to install updates.

trying to optimize drives.


didn't even know i had attempted to record this jingle previously.
i am a little scared to hear what it sounds like.

need to call employers.

grr.

bad day. great. bad great good day.



20190624_0009

really feeling like i need to be playing music non-stop. i need to learn like 50 songs a week or something. i also, however, feel it is very very necessary to be listening to all these songs first so i have a better wider list to listen to and learn. i don't want things to be loaded with only certain kinds of songs. but dang, listening to enough of this is going to take soooooo long even if i do it with urgency.

i think i just need to be constantly working on building this list. for some reason it feels right to be learning a ton of songs in any way it feels right. but faster than i've ever done it before.

i am just tired of not feeling like a musician.

and i want to be able to get really into recording.

i need some material that i can fling myself at in any way imagineable.

even with my short jingles lately i seem to be getting so wrapped up in expectation about them.

i need to have a period where i am just doing whatever. i need to have a 'whatever period' that lets me learn how things can be done any way.


am i being a slave to content right now when it doesn't seem to be the best progression for me? i really can't be entirely sure. it seems unbelievably important. but i also feel like i am missing some core to the entire problem/solution set of my being.

i haven't felt like i was letting loose in a while. there is a way to feel like you are letting loose even while maintaining some sort of standard.

is the standard important? there seems like there is a level of badness that is purposeful and right. and then there is a level of badness that is upsetting because it feels unintended. that it is getting in the way of a better intention. that you didn't get the project to the place that is of necessary enjoyment on your own end.

so why does it feel like i am struggling recently to get projects to that level of enjoyment on my own end?

well, the last project fell through because the audio didn't come together. the mix was bad, and the writing didn't flow. i think we failed to realize that we didn't really like the entirety of the tune. the reality was that the second half was good, but the first half wasn't somehow.

but how is a rough question.

i have definitely been recently dissatisfied with the quality of sound. but am i now afraid that a lot of those short audio ideas are worse than i initially imagined?


so i am brought back to learning a lot of songs. i am still feeling like i have missed a huge period in my self education. a period of rampant song learning.

there seems to be a creative angle that i haven't taken yet. but this angle makes me feel like it isn't the best move to make a bunch of videos. i am kind of afraid of spending a ton of time making cover videos. and i really want to do a lot of snippets likely. and every time i have done a video cover the snippets have grown to a larger chunk. and the video making would slow down the learning/playing/audio recording.

so i am feeling like the audio step is definitely in need of lots of practice. the video definitely needs practice too, but i don't get the opportunity to make video if i don't have audio.


when will i ever feel like it is time to make lots and lots of original audio-visual content? i just can't seem to feel confident/powerful enough at both of them at the same time for long enough to really get headed down a sustainable path.

so right now i think i need to be listening to a ton of music for sure. that is true. and after i get a lot of music under my belt and into my list i can definitely start learning more. i want to do that for sure. but how i am going to make content while i do that is something to be determined.

i need an experimental phase. less pressure, more work.



20190626_1417

okay, just think. time time time is what is important.


cut out all the things that are there to just steal your time.


there is a rule that is executable.




if you let things keep stealing your time then you trend closer towards death faster and faster.



anything can be anything.

that is also sort of another rule.


i spent too much time in school listening instead of doodling in my notebook. i regret that.



20190627_1757

everything is everywhere.



20190715_1117

consciousness is just an ad from yourself telling you you're yourself.



20190715_1119

still learning how to be human.



20190719_1535

hi ho hi ho it's off to hell i go.

time, space, memes.
pyramid, art, kings.

tribal-structure, marriage, fuedalism, evil.
hare krishna, war, hate, plato.

monsters hunting magic maps.
language coding indigenous dance.

jesus, buddha, easter, halloween.
self-identity, morality-reality.

drum, bow, life, death.
song, god, good, love.

evil dreams writing flood myth satan.
aristotle, building universe, evolution, math, nature.

romantic-confucious, creativity-economy.
christmas-angel, stonehenged-socrates.

family-testament, history-hero.
heaven, hell, and the number zero.

hi ho hi ho it's off to hell i go.



20190720_1129

tundra conundrum

it's cold. the ground is hard as the night is long.

and a bear just ate my breakfast.



20190730_1414

you can uninstall facebook from your phone, but can you uninstall it from your brain?



20190731_0301

sleep peels
sleep eels

nevermind playground in the sunset delivery room

ahh.. super fresh fun time in the super fresh fun zone

tomorrow is never when it was supposed to be



20190731_0305

penning street is my summer vacation home.
i spend all summer penning things on surfaces.
you should see all the things i pen.

the deceleration of indie pen dance.
the magnum carte blanche.
this hot piece-o-work.

just pen all the things, if you can.



20190731_1131

the roof is in fact not on fire.

unless of course you are referring to the heavenly furnace of death that awaits us all.



20190801_2218

death is the only way of figuring out what life was.



20190807_1830

cities are great because they're filled with so many great employers to sell our souls to and so many great stores to buy stuff from using our soul credits.



20190808_1335

the universe is a quilt.

a quilt that never quits.



20190819_1352

what effect is produced by understanding the badness in all things?



20190820_1143

the mayan corn god seeks revenge via high fructose corn syrup.



20190901_1308

a liver lover loving living

gotta declare war on the river

cloud b cloud b cloud b loud

someone who loves toasters and coasters

coasting a ghosted road near the water

timetimetime dying living thinking breathing

sleeping sleeping hduurb eirhy6ftvenu76g

a baby deer.

dead.


i hope it liked its life.



20190904_1430

gotta buy some shoes on the lord's dollar.



20190904_1700

my brain is free for however long it can feed itself what it needs.



20190905_1104

not a robber - 9/5
jack bennett's store - 9/6
blank - fast
riding bikes - 9/8
aptcht - 9/7
without mom - 9/9
summer - 9/8



20190906_1444

if i could just get over my worry about how bad everything i do is, i might start enjoying things so much that i do it enough to become good.

it might even be good in disguise all along. one day it may uncover itself in the secret of the night.

the worry about badness and goodness is understandable. because there is an experience of what quality feels like.

the problem is not ever finishing something because of quality worries.

this is why deadlines are god.


because it has to be done, and by a real set time. and you will try to make it perfection the whole time even though you'll fail because there isn't infinite time.

but each time a deadline is made and adhered to you get better at making quality within that timeframe.



20190913_1657

i am building a castle
it takes my entire life to finish
i have to live inside it while i build

it has a moat and drawbridge to keep out enemies
most of the time the bridge is open

my brain is a bronze body
hiding in the corner
vibrating as copper pennies ricochet off

the castle is one room
the castle is a million rooms
a room is a feeling
a room is the universe

the universe is a room of feelings



20190915_1817

in a ladies only
gentlemen's pony club
i found a pair of eyes

in the mantle of a ranch cabin
a new statue stands

pachydermy taxiderming
lantern hanging devil turnips

left turn right turn
fresh third money grab

wonderboy wonderboying

boiling some water soup

sort of a water stew

the statue was new



20190923_1009

the is
let's be free
where and when
give you my love
animal friend/young blossom



20190926_1019

die die die die die
die die die die die
die die die die die
die die die die die

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

look look loookkkk
llllloooookkkkk
kook
book
cuke book
cooky cucumber

try try try try try

i i i i i i i i i i



20190926_1434

damn today is a hall of layers of feelings.

just flying down it.

there is an outer me plastered on the wall.

it is the wall.
watching all the other me's fly down this long hall of feelings.

the whole thing is vibrating and aching.

it is awake.