spring-21
20210322_0847

goodmorning.

i am a motherfucking person.

i can do things.



20210414_0918

it is very difficult to figure out what to want.



20210411_1020

i do not want to be here today but not more than i still need the money.

six grand a year is hard to pass up for the small time commitment.

i woke up agitated. i am frustrated that it feels i am not making much ground in my efforts. i desire solitude.

i have been somewhat sabotaging time i could spend doing good work, but it isn't clear if the time i have spent communicating with friends is less important.

i do not know if i am going to have emotional resolution today.

miranda and i have more social obligations. these obligations are not a bad thing!

i have an emotional need for solitude and work. i believe good-work-in-solitude will bring confidence that progress is occurring at a reasonable speed.

feeling pessimistic today. i still have yet to prove myself competent.

this competency seems to be an unreachable object of desire. yet, there is always much evidence to point to that allows me to declare my incompetence.

i wish i could just enjoy a beautiful day.

i wish the music i heard on the way here had sounded better to my ears.

everything hurts and is pestering and annoying.

i have to set my boundaries. what is necessary to move forward at the right pace?

going to meditate through the rest of service to try and reset my reward center.



20210418

what has happened to my desire to create art? where has it gone? have we developed into someone who is no longer pained by the idea of not being creatively productive? would it actually be good long term for me to feel a burning pain that i SHOULD be in creative frenzy right now? i truly do not know.

when i think of the future i do not see a ton of free time opening up. at the same time, meaning isn't closing down.

it is not a bad idea to begin figuring out some sort of balance now.



20210421_1213

i do not know where i am at right now in life.

i am not working particularly hard towards anything. i am working decently towards becoming a teacher, and soon when i get a job i expect that i will be devoting a lot of time towards that.

i do not feel negative about putting my time towards teaching. i thought for a long time that i would feel horrible about it.

i spent a long time kicking and screaming that music and being a creative person and being an artist is something that i absolutely need.

but here i am, pursuing teaching and not being a super productive person and i am not necessarily feeling horrified by it.

i don't seem to be coming up with many great sounding things to record, i don't seem to be making any videos.

that's not to say that i wouldn't want to. i just have not been identifying with the need to. because of that i haven't been doing very much of it at all.

when i have done music in the past couple of months i haven't been producing anything that i like that much.


it feels odd to be here.


what is it that i want to be doing? am i working towards an end?

say i want to dive into curriculum, and really get myself to understanding it, what would be the end?

i suppose the end there would be to feel comfortable with some ideas. then i will be able to feel more comfortable teaching. i should hopefully have a job to do. that job will provide me with a living.

for so long i have eaten to do art. now it feels like i will be more of a craftsman - a person performing a service that i gain some aesthetic pleasure from, but to earn myself and my family a living.

i feel disassociated with the version of me that was spending so much emotional energy on the need to create satisfying works of entertainment. i feel like i have less obvious purpose and meaning right now, but i also feel more stable. i feel squished in a way. it isn't a horrible feeling. there is some warmth to this. i can recede into comfort.

i can be a good teacher. i want to be. i would like to be. i want to do some good in our world. i don't want to underestimate the good i can bring to the world by being a teacher.

i have always had such lofty expectations for myself. a desire to affect the world in grand ways. maybe i am feeling the ego fade away.

i still can't deny the want to engage on a high level with concepts and ideas. i would like to continue to be creative.

for now it is acceptable to lay low and keep doing what i am doing. i will work on this curriculum and prepare myself for the fact that i am choosing a career to pursue.

this doesn't mean the end of anything. i am developing a different relationship with reality. i am having to parse shifting desires. it is okay. things shift a lot.

things might open up for me through all of this.

it would be nice to write some more songs. to have some writing sessions with mac and james. to finish some covers.

i am afraid of becoming empty inside - numbed by the onslaught of pleasures available in the world.

i think there is a lot to keep me interested at this point. plenty to learn and refine.

if i am momentarily less interested in what to do with my musical life that is okay. at least i can make ground in the world of ideas. the philosophy hallway.



20210425

what are the implications of my views on free will?

i have seen that my experience (perception/attention) is downwind of a lot of signal processing.

the main dissenting point being that the act of choice (action selection) is not downwind but is active, present, and possessed by the perceiver.

my main point is that the sensation of free will is independent of whether or not an individual 'could have done otherwise' after an action has been selected.

if it turns out we 'could not have done otherwise', the sensation still informs the system (the complete mind - conscious and unconscious) for future decisions. the sensation still performs a role.

it does not matter if you place faith in the idea that you are the one making the ultimate decision. in the end, only one decision can be chosen in each moment of necessary action. the decision and action that gets selected is the one that affects the flow-of-present.

the agent at hand bears the responsibility for the repercussions of each action - regardless.

why do we feel so strongly that we 'could have done otherwise'?

it is because we can consider probability maps. we can project and imagine the selection of multiple actions before the final, singular selection occurs.

the final, singular selection collapses the probability maps into an action.

the contention is whether the attentional agent collapses the probability map or if the system that gives rise to the agent collapses the probability map.

for that matter, is the attentional agent the locus that gives rise to probability maps? i find it probable that both the attentional agent and subconscious agencies work together to produce and consider complex probability maps. however, i see no reason why probability maps cannot be generated without attention. all that is necessary is sensory information from reality (sense organs) and basic control flow (program logic). the control flow does not necessarily have to amount to perception (attention).

it seems that the existence of the attentional agent adds emotional needs to the organism.

why would the organism model something whose emotional needs could get in the way of basic survival? it must be a trade off - ultimately.

the attentional agent is performing a worthwhile function for the organism.

without the attentional agent, the organism makes its way through the world using nothing but relatively dumb feedback loops which are not particularly good at short term adaptation.

it makes sense to me that squirrels and dogs and other similar organisms possess attentional agents.

it is simply that the minds of such organisms model attentional agents which are much more limited in creating probability maps.



20210428_1905

i am so tired of trying to prove myself to the world
the world never had to prove itself to me to be

shoulds that do not function are bad shoulds to keep

it is easy to see how much i desire to do good
it isn't much to ask
let me do good

good. do good. let me do
good. do good. let me do

i have no choice
something's always happening til' i die
i want to choose the something that is happening
but it seems to choose me instead
i want to believe this is a good thing
i want to make this a good thing

good. do good. let me do
good. do good. let me do
good. do good. let me do
good. do good. let me do

feel the feels you feel
feel the feels you feel

good. do good. let me do

didn't you know?
it's not cool to want good.
well you should know
i define my good as cool

my good still knows when to say fuck you and up yours

didn't you know?
it's not cool to be cool
well you should know
cool murdered me cus i murdered cool

cool. be cool. let me do
cool. be cool. let me do



20210502_1020

i now have a clear and attainable goal which should help drive my work on curriculum.

there is still a lot of time to get hired for next school year, but it is coming time to increase applications for summer jobs.

i would love to have a job for next school year by the end of may.

i would use all summer to work on curriculum.

i also desire to make some new music, but it is looking like the best avenue for that type of work is through the band. maybe i can still get some stuff written on my own if i have a little free time.

i don't exactly know how much time i have right now.

i expect my music and creativity will thrive when i am making good progress in career work.

getting hired will immediately lift some deep darkness.

my mode for the current paradigm:

- daily obligations

- curriculum objectives

- education job applications

- summer job applications

- exercise

- quality time with miranda and friends

- write music

- learn songs

- band sessions to write a new album or do covers



20210516_1020

my current imagination of life balance brings me comfort.

the current intellectual challenges are not impossible and dare i say even enjoyable (for now).

i hope to be ready for more challenging challenges once these challenges have been conquered.

i am enjoying the band sessions especially. i am glad to have them. they are vital to my current life balance.

i still sense that i am allowing too much leisure time. how do i truly determine how much leisure time i need? a difficult question.

i could do better to exercise more and get out of the bed earlier in the morning. i used to have discipline to wake at desired times...

i don't expect i will be able to avoid the excess leisure time until i have a better idea of what i should be doing instead. do i really need to lay it all out again? i have done it so many times before, and it doesn't change that much.



20210526_1920

make meaning. meaning can be all or nothing and everything in between.

since that is the case, why not let it be all?

well, it sort of is all. it is in a constant juxtaposition of all possible values.

meaning being different at all times in every way - a neutral situation.

taste how meaning 'is' from a less restricted perspective.

most of the time we are only taking a sliced perspective - a cross section of the total available states of meaning.

finitude is the requirement for awareness of one's existence.

everything we consider 'existing' is finite.

perhaps the rules that propel finite existence are themselves, in some way, never-ending.

yet, in all observable and imaginable circumstances, the rules which are implemented find existence in the finite world of discrete objects. the ultimate bottleneck is fundamental information.

meaning is about information.



20210606_1020

life is difficult now because i am decimated. but life is simple and easy. i am spoiled.

i am not rotten. i believe i love the world.

can you love the world without believing something? what is love? what is it that is believed? how are these things allowed?

love is embracing something for its own sake.

i love existence because i embrace existence for the sake of it existing.

anything i do not embrace, i 'rather it would not exist'.

why would i not embrace something? why would i rather something not exist?

what exists that we could completely do without?

rape, murder, and such of course.

why can't rapists and murderers do without rape and murder?

i would assume such a person has a more fundamental desire.

the rapist has a sexual desire which accepts rape as a means to an end.

the murderer perceives an individual as something they would rather not exist, and so they bring that preference into being through action. if not this mechanism, then some other mechanism routed in a desire akin to the rapist's.

i cannot do anything about those people's minds. i can embrace a desire for them to not exist which culminates in legal action and governance that disincentivizes their existence or at the very least their actions.

where does the capacity to embrace come from? nature? evolution?

i could assume that the capacity to embrace has evolutionary origins and use.

do we have control of our capacity to embrace? do we have control over what we desire to embrace?

if so, what would enable increased capacity and control?

how would we decide how to properly direct our capacity and control over the ability to embrace?

i can live a life of thought within the flow of these self-creating questions.



20210613_1020

we know what actions we value. it appears there is not yet a direct mechanism identified to reliably convert the valuing of an action into its selection in 'actuality'.

what selects actions? whatever i am - that is what selects actions.

how much of what 'i am' is controllable? how much of what 'i am' is below the level of perception? how much does this level-of-being play a role in the selection of actions?

how much can the perceptual elements of 'me' influence the sub-perceptual elements so that they may be brought in line with the valuations of the perceptual level?

'willpower' is energy that can be used by the perceptual level to overrule the valuations of the sub-perceptual level.

actions that require 'willpower' are 'willpower depleting actions'.

how can we minimize the necessity to use willpower to perform 'willpower depleting actions'?

the only way to do this is for sub-perceptual valuations and perceptual valuations to become equivalent.

it is the perceptual level that 'possesses' the sensation of 'will' and therefore wields the sensation of 'willpower' because it is the perceptual level that possesses sensation. only through sensation can actions be known and selected with awareness.

the important question: how can the perceptual level use its sensation of will and willpower to influence sub-perceptual valuations so that the sub-perceptual and perceptual become more aligned?

'willpower depleting actions' consume the currently available 'willpower energy'. enough 'willpower depleting actions' will fully deplete 'willpower energy'. when this happens, selected actions are entirely decided by sub-perceptual valuations until some of our 'willpower energy' is restored. keep in mind that some sub-perceptual valuations can be quite well aligned with perceptual valuations without too much work of the will.

sub-perceptual valuations must have to do with feedback loops. since the sub-perceptual valuations occur in the brain we know that the sub-perceptual valuations are influenced by neurochemical mechanisms.

we have to use our available 'willpower energy' to influence our sub-perceptual valuations by training via neurochemical mechanisms.

how do we use 'willpower depleting actions' to influence neurochemical relationships at the sub-perceptual level so that the sub-perceptual valuations become more in line with the perceptual valuations? we must select actions which form particular subconscious neurochemical pathways. we desire for the actions we select to be the actions we perceive to want.

once we are successful there will be an abundance of 'willpower energy' because less 'willpower depleting actions' will occur because our perceptual and sub-perceptual valuations will be aligned.

at this point, the additional 'willpower energy' will be entirely dedicated to maintaining the neurochemical equilibrium. deviations will be corrected as soon as they become present in awareness.

difficulty will always arise as a consequence of chemical latency between the sub-perceptual mechanisms and the perceptual level.

nothing can be perfected here. only improved.