spring-19
20190403_1317

Having anxiety and depressive attack about jobs currently. Can't find one I want. Can't find one where I'm even a good candidate.

Time to apply for something simpler.



20190405_0800

ape brain

can i chemically bind to a [JOKE]

my professor has split pants.

this so surreal.

i'm resume.



20190407_1208

i didn't mean to exist but i might aswell.



20190407_1658

so this is cool

i'm doing this now. going wild.
it seems we will soon discover how tame i am.



20190410_1000

ninjas. they know where you are.
they're coming to get you.
they expect you to pay for pizza hut.
they want pined apples.



20190410_1515

these nuggets kinda stale.



20190414_note

gonna have to get interested in everything.



20190416_1304

i think we're finally ready to make music bad enough to show people.



20190422_1300

i am listening
writing
reading my thoughts

but they sound like the room

statistics and proportions and ideas

too much statistics and proportions

not enough ideas

i'd like to kill myself

seems like a safe thing to say

i must not know why it comes to my mind

i have no words to classify it

it feels like a joke.
just drank some water
was very watered down

all countries water down their water to save on water consumption

n=1500

that's what a note would look like if i were taking them.

this is fummy and fum.

i lik this.

i am expressing myself.

i used to be an ex-presser, but now i press again.

do i lie enough?

plenty.

how much?

almost none when possible which is almost always.

it would be cool if this prof came and snatched my notes and read them to the class.

that'd be a good time.

how does time go?

time seems to have to do with amounts.

and amounts seem to have to do with space.

amounts can't be without space.

but you can have an amount of time and an amount of space.

you can have an amount of any something.

but there are no amounts of nothing.

does time have to do with amounts? or space?


time is the flow of sand in an hourglass.
present is the center, between the past-below (hell) and the future-above (heaven).
the past and future are only ideas. it is the present which is always happening.

i could say that, in the future, i will go to sleep again. there is reliable probability that will happen, but when it does, it will be now then. me sleeping in the future is not real now. my imagining i will be sleeping in the future is what is real. my imagining i will be sleeping IS the future. the future is imaginary. it never really comes. and the past is imaginary because the past only exists in the unfolding of constant now. the imagination of the past through memories IS the past, but it exists in now. everything exists in now-land and will only ever exist in now-land.

but... when do 'concepts' become real? are concepts above reality and non-reality? what is the difference between the now-right-now and the now when i began writing this sentence? that is the big question.

class is over.



20190505_1219

i am a spring.
i am loaded.
i am ready.



20190510-note

BE MORE PATIENT
PATIENCE



20190514_0928_dream

i was at a carnival and there was a station where people were paying to hit animals with baseball bats.

i saved a dog and brought it back to me to the orphanage where i slept. it slept with me all night long but kept very gently biting my nose.



20190515_0802

if you wake up early and feel like you could just jump out of bed, do it.



20190516_1922

the only real reward for myself is doing more work.



20190519_1345

my life is as interesting as i let it be.



20190519_2349

real truth is unknowable and is bastardized by belief. belief is accepting something as real truth without actually knowing. what i do is worship the unknowable truth.



20190520_1800

i really want to be away from everybody that doesn't understand me most

the people who understand me most know that what i need right now is to put my head down and go

also. i did not get that hospital job today.



20190522

answers only come when you are the one asking yourself the right questions down the right path.



20190529_0805

i love picking and eating blackberries. i feel connected to a long lost forager that has always been inside me.



20190601_0630

we must be afraid of false paths.



20190615

we have to be soluble in every fluid we find ourselves in.